A Picnic Problem
by Black Hawk
Summary: Fili awoke to the sweet aroma of baked goods wafting into his room. Rising, Fili pulled back his hair and stumbled out of their room, only to stop in his tracks at the sight before him. It wasn't Dis who was baking, after all. It was Kili.


_**Author's Note: **_**This is the fifth story in th****e Problem series, but could be read alone. Below is the order:**

**1. A Manly Problem**

**2. A Girly Problem**

**3. A Racing Problem**

**4. A Furry Problem**

**A Picnic Problem**

Fili awoke to the sweet aroma of baked goods wafting into his room. Cracking open an eye, he could see the dawn had already broken and the early spring world was warming outside. Wondering if he'd forgotten a special holiday that would merit such baked goods, he rolled over to face Kili's bed to see if he was awake, only to find his brother's twisted blankets cast aside.

"Humph." Fili sighed and stretched before sitting up. He still wasn't used to his brother being up before him, and the sight of the empty bed left him with a slight sting. Ever since they were small, waking up before the other had been a small triumph, like winning a race.

Rising, Fili pulled back his hair and stumbled out of their room, only to stop in his tracks at the sight before him. It wasn't Dis who was baking, after all. It was Kili.

"Look who finally woke up and smelled the muffins," Kili crowed with a grin as he spotted his brother.

Fili furrowed his brow. Kili was washing batter out of a large bowl and was wearing their mother's flour-stained apron. "Who _are_ you?"

The question wasn't entirely in jest. With his hair pulled back in the neatest ponytail Fili had ever seen on his brother's head, he did look strikingly different.

Kili furrowed his brow. "Now don't start in on all this 'boys don't bake' rubbish."

Fili merely blinked while Kili vigorously scrubbed the mixing bowl.

"It makes no sense at all. What's the difference between a stew and a scone? As if one is manlier. _Pah_!"

Fili slowly cleared his throat. The most his brother had ever been aware of gender roles was when he'd told him the stories of how he used to dress him up as a girl to get free treats when he was a baby. Could it be possible that Kili had met…a…girl?

"Who are you making those muffins for and why?" Fili shouted in a rush.

Kili stopped scrubbing to blink at him owlishly. "What does it matter?"

Fili narrowed his eyes and took a step closer with each sentence. "You don't bake."

"It's never too late to learn."

"You've never had an interest."

"I changed."

"Clearly." Fili was now nearly nose to nose with his brother, who swallowed somewhat uncomfortably before frowning.

"If you think you can bully you way into getting a muffin, you're wrong. They're not for you. They're for my friends."

The blonde arched a brow. "Your friends?"

Kili nodded, busying himself with the rest of the washing up.

"And who, pray tell, are these alleged 'friends,'" Fili asked, folding his arms over his chest. "And where is Mum?"

"We ran out of flour," Kili muttered. "She headed down to the miller."

"And?"

"And it's a small village," Kili continued, rinsing off the mixing bowl at the pump in the washbasin. "I'm sure you know who they are."

It was a good point and made Fili stop to think. There was Boldri, who was his age, and his younger brother, who was Kili's age. Yet Boldri was as bland as porridge and his brother was an even more uninspired extension of him, so Fili could see no reason for Kili to want to visit with him. The rest of the young dwarves in the village were all a decade or so older than Kili, and unless some had come around, most probably still shunned him ever since the Shinshee Incident.

_Fili's excitement over his first camp out with his friends was being dimmed by his little brother's_ _wailing from the other room. "I want to come!" Kili was screaming through sobs and hiccoughs. _

"_I know,_ _sweetheart, but you're not old enough yet," Dis soothed._

_Fili took a deep breath and felt his uncle's hand rest on his shoulder. When he looked up, he found Thorin smiling down at him with pride shining in his eyes. "Ready?"_

_The young blonde hesitated, shifting the pack on his back and looking towards the cracked door of the room he shared with his brother as Kili's whimpering died down. _

"Two_ cookiesh," Kili bargained with their mother._

"_All right. Two, but no more or you'll look like Bombur."_

_That made Kili giggle, and hearing his little brother's laugh was all the assurance Fili needed. He looked up at his uncle with a grin. "Ready."_

_Thorin squeezed his shoulder then hoisted his own pack on his back before bidding Dis and his brother-in-law goodnight. After several hugs and kisses, Fili waved goodbye to his tear-stained little brother, who was still pouting on his bed, then headed out the door. _

"_Why can't Kili come?" he asked his uncle once they were away from the house. _

"_Kili isn't old enough to listen to… anyone but himself."_

"_But he's big enough."_

_Thorin didn't argue with the statement. While he was still several years younger than Fili, he had grown at an alarming speed that left Thorin wondering just what his sister put in the lad's meals. The youngling was all arms and legs and wild hair. Thorin often had to remind himself that despite the boy's height matching that of his older brother's, he wasn't as mature. In fact, he'd only just started losing his baby teeth and was missing his top incisors, giving him a horrible lisp._

"_So he is, but it is the mind that matters most." _

_Fili fell silent, contemplating this as they approached Boldri's house and knocked, inviting the other boy out. After they had made their way around the village in the dying light, Thorin led his nephew and his gaggle of friends into a meadow just outside the village. _

"_You see how the branches don't cover this spot?" he asked the trio of youngsters. "It means that when we build our fire, the sparks are less likely to catch on the leaves. And you should always not only dig out your fire pit, but clear away any grass and shrubs within a few hands breadths, for safety."_

_The boys all nodded, delight at being taught by Thorin Oakenshield himself dancing in their eyes. Fili puffed out his chest as Thorin continued teaching them how to make a camp, and as night crept over the land and crickets sang, the four had their bedrolls laid out and a blazing fire to keep them warm. The exiled king showed them how to skewer and roast sausages for supper, and Fili sat proudly at his uncle's side, sharing a log as a seat. _

"_So, our bellies are full, but the night is young," Thorin said after they had finished eating and buried their food scraps. "Who would like to hear a tale or two?"_

"_I do!" Boldri said. "A scary one!"_

"_Yeah!" the other boy agreed. _

"_As you wish." Thorin inclined his head, and only the fire snapped and hissed in the silence that followed. When he looked up, his eyes were hooded and danced with shadows and orange light. "Once, long ago, in a glade very much like this one, I was camping for the night with several of my friends. We weren't much older than you three, so we weren't terribly used to being on our own, but we were trying to be brave. Oh, how we regretted it that night…"_

_Thorin sighed dramatically, making the dwarflings all tense. _

"_What happened?" Boldri whispered._

"_At first, all was quiet. We ate and drank and made merry, then settled in for the night. The moon was a crescent, as it is now, so there wasn't much light to see by. So when we heard the footsteps start creeping around our camp, we had no hope of glimpsing anything."_

_Fili licked his lips and scooted even closer to his uncle's side. _

"_At first, I thought it was a deer. But as it drew closer, the footsteps were heavier. Dragging, almost. Then I realized it wasn't the feet that were dragging, at all, but rather something with it."_

_Boldri shared a glance with his friend and whispered "A body."_

_Thorin nodded. "Exactly, only later we found out it wasn't the whole thing."_

_Fili fidgeted, squeezing his clasped hands between his knees. "What do you mean?"_

"_It was a skin, just the skin, of a dead dwarf."_

_All three boys gasped and let out sounds of disgust as Thorin leaned in._

"_It was a Shinshee. A wild wee thing from the elder days. They are viscous sprites with sharpened, blackened teeth and wild hair. They drag around the skins of the dwarves they've killed so that they can put them on as a disguise."_

_Just then, a woman shouted in the village, making the boys tense, but Thorin ignored the domestic sound as he continued his tale. _

"_At the time, we didn't even know what a Shinshee was. In fact, we thought it was one of our fathers playing a trick on us."_

"_What was that?" Fili asked, whipping his head around to the brush._

"_I thought I heard something, too," the other boy said._

_All fell silent as they surveyed the darkness. Thorin narrowed his eyes. "Probably just a fox or something else light-footed."_

"_It sounded loud to me," Boldri whispered, hunching in on himself. _

"_We never got a good look at the thing," Thorin continued, trying to hide his smirk over already having done his job of making the boys think they heard things. Nothing like a little extra caution in the Wilds. "We thought about it later and decided it must've been afraid of our campfire."_

"_Did it ever do anything to you?" Fili whispered._

_Thorin shrugged. "Not then. But later that night –"_

"_I really did just hear a branch break," Boldri insisted, shifting his chubby self to peer into the darkness._

"_I woke up to a knife –"_

Snap.

_Thorin cut himself off. There really was something outside of their camp. A woman in the village wailed, making them all jump._

"_Thorin?" Fili whispered, latching onto the side of his tunic. _

_Thorin slowly withdrew his knife and rose to a crouch, facing the source of the shuffling noises. "Who is out there?"_

_The only response was a whispered, "Shee."_

"_It's a Shinshee!" Boldri gasped, leaping to his feet and latching onto his friend._

"_Impossible. I made it all –"_

_Just then, a little demon came barreling out of the bushes, tearing a scream from every throat. It had dark, glistening eyes and a manic, toothless grin. Its black hair was wild and full of sticks and leaves and stuck out every which way. Its small, thin body was naked save for underpants, and it flung something long and pale behind it like a flag._

"_IT'S A SKIN!" Boldri bellowed amidst the chorus of screaming. _

_The sprite cackled and squealed as it waved its dwarf skin around, chasing all four in circles around the fire. "Kill it!" Fili shouted to Thorin._

_It took the exiled king a moment to realize that he was running away. Checking himself, he gathered the boys behind him and spun about to face the demon, his knife at the ready. _

_The creature squealed and clapped, as if this were all some delightful game. Something about the sprite's demeanor stayed Thorin's hand, even as the little thing spoke an incantation that sounded like "sh" over and over, then flung his dwarf skin onto Thorin._

_The boys all screamed, and Thorin's hands flew to his face, only to feel the soft fabric of a towel. _

_Finished casting a spell, the sprite wandered away and stood quietly for a moment, peering at the ground. Fili peeked out from behind Thorin, furrowing his brows. The creature had his back to them and was… _

"_Is it…?" their friend asked._

"_Peeing on the fire?" Fili finished._

"_To put it out so it can eat us!" Boldri bellowed. _

_All three screamed again and Thorin shushed them harshly. "It is no beast. It is Kili."_

_Silence fell as three heads peeked out around the large dwarf to peer at the sprite who was now settling himself in on a log, looking proud as punch to be there._

"_Kili?" Fili asked, stepping out from behind his uncle to survey his little brother. "What… what are you doing here?"_

"_I ran outta da bath," Kili tried to explain past his lisp, which added an "sh" sound to nearly everything._

"_Does Mum know you're here?"_

_He shook his head and giggled, his dark eyes dancing mischievously._

_Thorin's shoulder's slumped. "That's who was calling in the village." He pointed at Kili. "You are in big trouble, young one."_

_Kili's grin faded and he stared up at his uncle with wide, frightened eyes. Fili immediately darted to his side and wrapped the bath towel around his shoulders. "You must be cold."_

"_Eww," Boldri said, picking up one of his blankets. "He peed right by me."_

"_Me, too," the other boy claimed, even though his bedding was nowhere nearby. "I'm going home."_

"_Yeah," Boldri agreed. "This is gross."_

_Thorin sighed. While he knew they'd never admit it, the two dwarflings were obviously too frightened to sleep outside after what had just happened, so he spared their feelings and humored them. After walking the boys back to their homes, he headed to his sister's house and negotiated. That night, both of his nephews snuggled against him by the fire, and he couldn't have been happier, even if Dis claimed he'd just set her up for years of discipline issues with her youngest for rewarding his rebellious antics. _

Fili viewed the memory with mixed feelings. While it had turned out to be a favorite night for him and his brother, it had also earned his brother the reputation as the annoying tag along who had missing teeth and peed on everything. Ever since, Boldri and his friend barely gave him the time of day. Fili knew it was because they were secretly still scared of him.

"Why in Arda won't you just tell me who it is?" Fili asked.

"Because you're being entitled and judgmental, that's why!" Kili shouted as he yanked out his hair tie.

Fili's upper lip curled as he tried to wrap his mind around his brother using such words. "I… I am not _entitled_…"

"Of course you are. You're the heir to the throne!"

"So are _you_!"

"Oh please, we both know that's just a formality."

Fili shook his head. "I didn't _chose_ to be a prince–"

"That's what makes you entitled." Kili rested his hands on his hips by the ties of his apron. "Entitled dwarves don't realize they're abusing their position of power."

Fili choked a little. "_Abusing_?"

"Yeah. You made me race when I was a baby _and_ now, all so that you could win some skinning set to butcher woodland creatures into clothing you don't need to try to show off your superior social standing and enforce your masculinity as a dominator of other species."

The blonde's lips started to move but gave up on their own, his blue eyes wide.

Kili shook his head, his brows furrowed as he appraised his brother, untying his apron. "It's really quite pathetic."

Fili could do nothing but stand there like a mute while his brother pulled the muffins out of the oven then doused the flames beneath the stove.

"I… that is not true," was all Fili could manage. The dwarf before him was no longer his little brother. In fact, it appeared that he had even combed his hair. "You've been brainwashed."

"Oh please, Fili, acknowledging the truth for what it is isn't all that preposterous."

"You… you just used the word _preposterous_."

Kili quirked a brow as he started to shift the muffins from the tin to a basket. "I do have a vocabulary that extends beyond 'block,' 'parry,' and 'more ale,' you know."

Fili snorted. "Since when?"

"You are always _so_ condescending," Kili muttered superiorly to the basket, so quietly that Fili could hardly hear him.

"I'm sorry, but I seem to be missing something here," Fili said, raising his voice. "There's a girl, isn't there?"

Kili snorted. "Really?"

"_Really_."

Kili turned around to face his brother, the muffin basket on the crook of his arm, his voice irritatingly soft. "You are so narrow-minded, do you know that? The fact that the only conceivable way you'd see me wanting to better myself would be if I'd met a lass?" He shook his head in pity. "You have a long way to go, my friend. A long, long way towards self-realization."

Fili looked around the room, as if hoping someone else were there to back him up as Kili headed for the door. "Towards _what_?"

"I'm going on a picnic," Kili called over his shoulder, then stuck his head back in, as if to gloat, "with my _friends_."

Fili scowled. "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out." The wood clanked shut. "Not that you have one!"

"Entitled!" Kili called back from outside.

Snarling, Fili yanked out a chair and fell into it. Not only was he hurt and confused, but now he was being tortured by the sweet scent of muffins that he couldn't have. While he picked and ate crumbs and burnt muffin bits off the tin, he mused over the dwarves in the village who were around their age, trying to pinpoint who Kili could be spending time with to leave him feeling so mighty and wise.

Try as he might, he couldn't even think of a female their age, unless, of course, Kili was travelling out of the village to see her. It was possible that there could be a merchant's daughter on the outskirts passing through, but no, that wouldn't work. It had been weeks, after all, and most merchants didn't stay that long in one place. Perhaps it wasn't a young dwarf at all. Could he be spending time with the refined likes of Dori?

"Good morning, sleepy head," Dis greeted as she stepped through the door with a sack of freshly-ground flour.

Fili hastened to his feet and took it from her, stowing it away in a barrel to keep it safe from mice. Dis fanned herself after the effort of lugging the sack, smiling at the washed dishes. "Oh good, he cleaned up for once."

"I know. It's… weird."

Dis shrugged. "Everyone must grow up some time."

"A few weeks ago he was lying about bites from his pet rodent and crying to try to keep him."

"I never said your brother's path would be a steady incline," Dis cautioned with an arched brow.

Fili sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. "I don't even know who he is anymore. He just gave me a verbal lashing like no other."

"I have noticed that he's picked up a few… colorful phrases."

"Do _you_ know who these new friends of his are?"

Dis furrowed her brow. "You don't?"

Fili shook his head.

"I assumed you did. I have no idea."

Fili groaned and headed back into his room to change. "That's it."

"Fili?"

"I'm finding out once and for all. Someone has demented him into their esoteric minion and no one gets to do that but me!"

An hour and a half later, Fili had finally found his brother's trail in the woods and followed it to a quaint meadow bathed in golden light. There, Kili had laid out a quilt and settled down with his basket of muffins. Fili ducked behind a tree trunk, thankful that he was in a sleeveless tunic for the day was unseasonably warm. Crouching, he listened for the approach of footsteps for several minutes, yet heard none.

Frowning, he peered out again and spotted Kili sitting cross-legged, his hair in his face as he tied knots in a long blade of grass, looking entirely like his little brother again. And entirely forlorn. At that moment, Fili's heart clenched. Whether he liked them or not, these friends of Kili's better show up soon of Mahal save them. No one had the right to make his brother feel rejected.

After waiting several more minutes, he decided enough was enough and stepped out from behind the tree. Kili startled at his approach.

"I thought you'd hear my entitled footsteps."

Kili's back tensed as he looked down to the knotted blade of grass in his fingers and started tearing at it.

Easing down onto the blanket beside him, Fili stretched out his legs. "Beautiful day."

Kili tossed aside the last of his grass.

"Isn't it?" Fili asked, cracking open one eye against the glare of the sun.

The dark-haired dwarf sighed. "Go on, point out that no one else is here."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because of…" Kili trailed off, sighing. "Because I was a right wart to you."

Fili chuckled. "If it looks like a wart, sounds like a wart, and talks like a wart…"

Kili finally looked at him, narrowing his eyes through his bangs in an un-amused expression.

"How do you know no one's coming?" Fili asked, sobering.

"They were meant to be here a half hour ago."

Fili sighed. "Then their loss. We'll have a picnic together. Just the pair of us."

"I made muffins and everything," Kili muttered, staring at the quilt.

"So it wasn't a girl, huh?"

Kili sighed, looking sheepish. "Not even really a _they_."

"One friend?"

"I suppose."

"Well, whoever he is, I don't like the ideas he has put in your head."

Kili dragged the muffin basket over and offered it to his brother. "He didn't. He just listens."

Fili took a muffin then handed one to Kili. "You mean you really feel like I bully you? You didn't have to race if you didn't want to. I thought you liked it."

Kili smiled sheepishly. "I did. I just… you have other friends and I wanted to be like you, I guess."

"Well that's a shame. I'm magnificent and it's impossible to mimic me."

Kili kicked his foot, making him chuckle as he peered out at their surroundings. "Say, this is where we slept out with Thorin."

"Yeah." The dark-haired dwarf smiled wistfully.

"What do you say we do it again. Tonight."

"Tonight?" Kili looked to him in surprise.

"Only without Thorin. Just us. And may whoever ditched you today fall flat on their face in horse poop."

Kili chuckled, looking much more like his old self as his spirits returned to him. "You do know who it was."

"Who?" Fili asked around a mouthful of muffin.

"Waldorf."

Fili nearly choked. He'd almost forgotten about the odd dwarf who had gray hair even in his youth and had a strange obsession with Kili, to the point that Fili often wondered if he knew that his brother was, in fact, a boy. "That's… interesting," he phrased delicately.

But if Kili were aware of Waldorf's questionable motives or Fili's strained tone, it was overridden by his excitement over sleeping out that night. "We've already got a blanket so we'll just need some meat and ale, plenty of ale since Mum won't be around to stop us. Then of course, you could bring your flute and I'll take Da's hunting knife, just in case."

His cautioning about Waldorf could wait. Right now, he was just happy to have his little brother back. Fili smiled. "Yes, just in case. There could be Shinshee in these woods."

Kili winked before stuffing a whole muffin in his mouth and speaking around it. "Sho I hear."

**_Please share your thoughts! :)_**


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